Better living through science

 Better living though science:

So I went to the Dr. recently to get a little help in the bedroom.  Things just hadn’t been the same between my wife and I for a while, and everything I’d tried hadn’t really worked, so it was time for some serious help.  I never wanted to be that guy we see in all the commercials… sitting on the table, humbled by his condition, with the “can ya help me doc? “ look on his face.  I hated admitting that I needed help, but it was time.

After discussing the situation, the Doc set me up with a specialist.  Tests were done and soon I was sent home with a very specialized bit of equipment.  Let me tell you, it was a little strange strapping it on for the first time.  I was self-conscious about how it looked, but the way the Mrs. smiled at me when we woke up in the morning eased my mind and made everything all right.

I’m talking about a CPAP machine, you perverts:  A device that provides Continuous Positive Airway Pressure to prevent my relaxed airways from collapsing and to keep me breathing.  In other words, an anti-snoring device. 

Yep, it had been a problem for years and I hated to admit it.  Maybe it was genetic (my father’s snoring shook the walls) or maybe it was the weight gain.  Maybe it was that my otolaryngological tissue had become flabby with age, but whatever the reasons were, the result was I was out of the bedroom,  sleeping first on the couch and then on an air mattress.

I did not want it to come to this, which sounds strange, considering how I was already living.  Of course I wanted to sleep with my wife in an actual bed.  I just hoped I’d lose weight on my own and solve the problem.  When that didn’t happen, I felt bad because now I had TWO problems I wasn’t dealing with that were affecting my life.

But now, thanks to a device no larger than an old clock radio from the 70’s, I’m better rested with a happier disposition, and more importantly, I’m able to sleep with my wife without the fear of being stabbed in the middle of the night.

***

I remember when my sister and I, giggling with sneaky glee, crouched outside our parents’ bedroom with a tape recorder, documenting my father’s nocturnal auditory emissions.  He always denied that he snored, of course, but as he went to bed before we did most nights, we were all aware of the sheer power lurking behind his nostrils.  His snoring was legendary.  Decades later, we were traveling together and sleeping in the same hotel room.  His snoring kept me awake most of the night, and I hoped for a quiet time when I could slip into sleep and get a few winks.  It never happened.  I tried watching TV, but the volume required to drown him out was deafening and I didn’t want to wake the neighbors.  The next morning I woke up after he came out of the shower.  “Whew, Spike,” he said, “you really snore!” 

With my face still in the pillow, I mumbled “It’s hereditary.”  He acted genuinely surprised.

I’d been accused of snoring since college, but at the time, there were no machines to solve the problem.  It was something you just had to deal with.  More like something your roommates and significant others had to endure.  You only had to deal with the possibility of being murdered in your sleep for keeping them from theirs.

I’d even discussed the issue with my Doctor, who suggested that losing weight might be a better solution and solve some other issues as well.  It’s not that I didn’t try, but as life happens, certain things get in the way… the ever popular “lack of time” and stress eating didn’t help me get on the bike and pedal the pounds away.  At some point, I did get a consult and a referral for a sleep study, but still wasn’t sold on the idea.   I’d heard horror stories of those studies, how they never really let you sleep, and how they were generally inconvenient.  That and the cost of going to a specialist to get the study performed were reasons that kept me away.  If I recall correctly, it was about $1100 to come into a clinic for the study, and I thought that if that’s what my insurance covered, how much would the CPAP cost?

Fast forward a few years and I’ve been out of my bedroom sleeping first on the couch and then on an air mattress. To be clear, I was not kicked out.  I was welcome back at any time as long as I didn’t snore.  I wanted to be there and Melissa wanted me there too; we missed sleeping next to each other.  But she couldn’t sleep with me in the room, and I sure couldn’t sleep with her constantly pushing me to roll over and complaining, so the only feasible option was for me to leave the room.  Even with that solution, she still had to have the fan on to drown out the noises I made.  I had to admit the situation was getting worse.  I was sleepy all the time.  No amount of coffee could keep me fully alert.  I walked around in a fog and there were many occasions I struggled to find the right words to speak. 

Thankfully, a new job had come along with a much better paycheck and healthcare than State Government seemed able to offer.  I finally made the call and told my doctor this was no longer just a small inconvenience and that I missed my wife.   I needed a referral for a sleep study and he agreed.  Here’s where the miracle of modern medicine kicks in, because NOW, thanks to science and social distancing, sleep studies are being done at home.

Within 2 weeks, I received a medium sized manila envelope in the mail.  Inside that was a padded envelope with a plastic package inside it.  Inside that was a monitor that looked like a chiclet.   The package, which was about the size of a tongue depressor and was less than half an inch thick, consisted of instructions (literally a flyer,) a Bluetooth connected device the size of a chicklet, and strips of medical tape to attach the monitor to my fingertip.

For two nights, I connected the device to my phone before going to sleep and in the morning the data was uploaded to the specialist.  I had no idea what my results were, but was anxious to get this party started. I thought these machines were huge and worried about excessive noise.  I was afraid I’d have to wear a full face mask all night, looking like a Mercury astronaut or a firefighter. 

About two weeks later, I finally saw the ENT in person and was presented with a new, very compact and VERY quiet CPAP device.  The mask I wear covers just my nose, and after a few days of using it… I can’t imagine life without it.  Honestly, with the amount of apnea occurrences I was experiencing (42 an hour,) I might not have a life without it.

This device is actually no larger than an old fashioned clock radio, and is dead silent. At times, I’m told there is a “whooshing” sound, but it’s no louder than a ceiling fan.  There’s even a water tank to keep the air, and my mouth, from getting too dry.  It connects to the internet so my specialist can keep track of my progress, and there’s an app that shows me each morning how I’m doing.  (I’m down to less than 2 events per hour, thank you for asking.) 

The technology is amazing, and I’m impressed at how it all happened so easily.  This time, my insurance has covered all of it, and not one red penny has been out of pocket.  I will need to cover replacement masking and tubes until the lease period is over, but those are negligible compared to the cost of the machine.

But most importantly, I’m once again sleeping in the same bed as my wife, able to snuggle with and wake up next to the woman I love so much.  It’s something I’ve been missing for a long time.  While the benefits of using a CPAP include better rest, lower blood pressure, and even weight loss, it’s the benefit to my heart that is the best; I’m once again with the one I love. 

 

The Force has awakened a new hope.

It’s been more than a week since the “The Force Awakens” premiered.  It's been confirmed that it's the first film to reach the one billion dollar mark in ticket sales this fast, and here I am still trying to figure out what to say.  I’ve been avoiding any and all reviews for months now in order to avoid even the slightest hint of a spoiler, and now that I’ve seen the movie I really have no need to read anything about it.   I’ve been trying to blog about it for over a month now and have several attempts saved to my hard drive to prove it, but the blog you’re now reading did not start out as any of those. 

What I’d initially wanted to write about was how the film was uber-promoted in the months leading up to its release and how it reflected, if not a culture shift, an acceptance of a culture.  How this particular form of escapism has become more than an afternoon adventure for movie fans.  

I think it’s safe to say that the only way anyone could have NOT known there was a new Star Wars movie coming out was if they had boycotted not only mainstream media, but mainstream shopping.  There aren't many retail outlets that haven’t capitalized on the phenomenon and that shows more than just an interest in the current movie.  The saturation of all things Star Wars in department stores, drug stores, grocery stores and pet stores, the over-abundance of trinkets available anywhere is a sign.  The media barrage included commercials selling items not even directly related to the movie:  One commercial showed a romantic engineer type fanboy building an R2D2 to ask his own Princess Leia on a date to a premiere of the movie.  

If this were an indie film, we fans would be aghast at the sheer magnitude of the commercialization, but in reality we’ve seen it before.  Time was they’d use clips from the movie to sell cereals and collectible glassware, maybe a picture of a character on a box.  But now I’ve not only seen storm troopers dancing on multiple Target commercials, I’ve seen Chewbacca and BB8 hawking batteries.  Not with clips from the film, new footage filmed specifically for the commercial.

To me, this level of commercialization shows how accepted we, the fans, have become.  Perhaps because the film franchise has been so successful for so long, or because the juggernaut of Disney merchandising has penetrated the markets so well, it feels like we’re not just seen as tech geeks living in parent’s basements, our DVD sets of the original trilogy sandwiched between our D&D books. Maybe it’s due to the omnipresence of technology and geek culture outside of films and sci-fi/ fantasy.  We’re no longer the geeks trying to escape reality, we’re the early adopters of a new culture.  We’re still dreaming with our heads in the clouds, but we’re not alone this time.  

Without spoiling anything for those who haven’t seen it yet, I’ll say this.  While it’s not even close to being Episode IV: A New Hope, it is indeed a new hope.  And very welcome. 

 

I may be biased in my opinion, but the first three films will forever stand alone as quite possibly the greatest trilogy ever made. 

It seems to me that most films made in threes follow a familiar pattern:  Fantastic first film followed by an okay second film that only serves as a setup to the final blockbuster.  (Back to the Future comes to mind)  Not so with episodes IV-VI.  While I recall that The Empire Strikes back was not as popular when it came out, most likely because the good guys didn’t clearly win at the end, it has since been called by some the best of the series. 

The second series, the prequel trilogy, was amazing in its own way but never quite achieved the status of the first.  George Lucas was said to have held off from making the second series until film-making technology caught up to his vision, and what a vision it was.  They were second to none in their use of CGI to create new worlds and in showing us how spectacular that galaxy far, far away could be.  The opening space battle sequence in “Revenge of The Sith” was overwhelmingly vast and showed how far FX had come.  Also, this series was completely under the creative control of Lucas; No longer did he have to acquiesce to studio heads on what direction the film should take… He was the head.  The dollars stopped with him.

While I totally support the idea of the creative genius being in control of their vision, I will concede that sometimes the conflict of different ideas brings about the best.  The cooperation, or lack thereof, of an editor or a producer with the writer or director can force the finished product to become something neither party had imagined.  The world of DVD and Blueray is filled with director’s cuts that show the world exactly what the creative side wanted unhindered by the un-creative class (Producers and bean counting movie executives.)  Sometimes the director’s cut provides new insight into the film.  Sometimes it shows that less is more.  I do not completely believe that if a 2 hour movie is great that additional scenes adding 2 more hours to the film will make it twice as good. 

But the biggest failure of the prequel series was NOT Jar-Jar Binks as many claim.  The biggest failure of the second series was its inability to make the audience feel hope.  At what point in any of those films did anyone have the desire to stand up and cheer?   We were witnessing the end of the Republic, the end of the Jedi and the corruption of a man’s soul as he turned to the dark side.  

And we knew it going into the theater.  I wanted to see the spectacle.  I wanted to find out what happened in the beginning; I felt I had to.  But each time I went I knew what was going to happen.  Nothing good was going to come of any of this.  In other words, I had a bad feeling about this.    

Now, finally, nearly 40 years since “A New Hope” and 32 years after "Return of the Jedi," we finally get to find out what happened to our favorite crew of rebels.   But there’s a lot missing.  It’s the first time the drums and fanfare of the 20th century Fox intro hasn’t heralded the start of a Star Wars film.  Even with the classic “crawl” of the pre-movie story set up, it doesn’t feel like the classic B-movie serials that influenced the series.  It’s the first time George Lucas hasn’t actually played a part in the creation of what was seen on screen and that's a noticeable difference.  

But…

It lives up to its promise. The majority of characters were new, but even before the old favorites appeared, Rey, Finn and Poe had already started telling their own stories.  At one point I even feared that the old timers would slow down the new storyline, that bringing back familiar characters would equate with taking a step backwards.  But JJ Abrams wisely chose to stick with Lawrence Kasdan, an alumni of the original series, making a perfect amalgam of old and new.  Abrams has an appreciation of what makes a franchise legendary and understands that you can reboot something without throwing away what came before.  I can’t get into the feels of the new film without giving everything away, but I will say that it’s a fanboy’s, and fangirl’s, dream.  I think it’s just what we really wanted and needed.

It’s not “A New Hope,” by any means.  How could it be?  That first movie took us headlong into a new world and made us want to see it again and again.  It's like your first beer, your first time staying up past midnight or your first kiss.  It only happens once, and no matter how many times you try, it'll never feel that way ever again.  

Doesn't mean you won't do it again or that it's no fun.  

The Force has awakened, and it’s a new beginning. This series could go anywhere.  There are films scheduled for years to come, some are prequels and some continue the new storyline… growing and stretching out in their own way…and in that new beginning, there is indeed a new hope.  

Elf on the Shelf: Spritely spies or evil beings from outer space?

Our little spy

So today my wife informed me that we were now the proud owner of a plush “Elf on the Shelf.”  Until now, I was merely aware of the concept; you had an elf and during the Christmas season you moved it around to new places every day, preferably a shelf.  I also heard some thought it was creepy, but I presumed these were the same type of people who thought clowns were evil.  Though now that I have one, I totally understand their fears.  In fact, it’s quite possibly more insidious than anyone could ever have imagined.

The way it works is like this: The elf magically appears on a shelf, or in our case, anywhere the cats can’t get to him. At night, while we sleep, Mr. Elf flies back to the North Pole to file a report with Santa’s team on how we’re all behaving.  By morning, he’s returned to a new location in the house to continue his yuletide surveillance.

My first thought was; Cool.  A representative from Santa’s organization who reports directly to the big man if someone’s been naughty or nice.  Basically, it’s child behavior modification. Pavlov’s elves.  Great, I thought.  Anything that helps us keep the little guy in line without screaming, bribery, use of force or lots of duct tape is fine with me.  I only wish I had something that worked this well during the rest of the year. 

 

I had been using an iPhone app for years that essentially did the same thing.  It “scanned” the child’s thumbprint and checked it against the North Pole database to see if they were on the naughty or nice list.  Obviously, the “grown-up” (in this case since it’s me, I use the term loosely) controlled the outcome of the scan.  This was successful at first.  However he’s learned how to access the app himself, and since the default outcome is “nice,” the effectiveness had been all but lost.  Enter the elf-on-shelf.

At first he seemed a little scared of the little sprite.  Can’t blame him.  Something suddenly appears out of nowhere and he’s told it’s here to keep an eye on him.  His first reaction was to go to the aforementioned app and prove he’s still on the good list.  Quick thinking on my part informed him that that app was old, hadn’t been updated and was no longer supported by Santa’s IT elves, thus the results could be wrong.  The white lies fly around the house like snow at this time of year.  And that’s okay. 

But as the evening went on, he couldn’t take his eyes off the elf.  Dinnertime was spent watching our new guest instead of eating.  “He keeps moving,” we were told.   Later, at bedtime, when he was employing all his stall tactics to stay up just a little bit later, I reminded him that the elf was still here, checking on when he was sleeping and when he was awake.  He was suddenly silent and soon after, he was asleep.  I was in awe of the elf.    

The next morning, he took my hand and insisted I come with him as he searched the house for the holiday imp.  He found the elf perched atop the refrigerator and we laughed.  Again, later on, he told me that the elf was moving again.  I started to ask him if the elf only moved when he wasn’t being watched, then realized that if that were true, that made the elf even more sinister.  This little embellishment had changed the elf from a soft, cuddly, plush method of child control into an evil, life-destroying monstrosity known as a Weeping Angel.

Photo courtesy BBC / Doctor Who

For those unfamiliar with Doctor Who, the weeping angels are beings who appear in the form of stone statues.  They debuted in the episode entitled “Blink” and quickly became one of the most feared entities in the Who-verse.  When you see them, when your eyes are upon them, they are statues, motionless and still.  However, if you take your eyes off them for a moment, literally the blink of an eye, they move.  Closer to you with each bat of the eye and faster than you’d ever imagine, changing from a benign statue to a stone monstrosity on the attack.  With teeth. With one touch they would absorb your time energy and send you back in time with no way back.


Photo courtesy BBC / Doctor Who

 

Admittedly, when Mr. Elf was just keeping an eye on all of us, it was just creepy.  Now it’s become much, much more.

So, to sum it up; we are being watched and reported on by what appears to be a plush toy. What may really be happening is that we’re being watched over by a fluffy, smiling little pixie that may or may not turn into a snarling, soul-sucking evil being from outer space.  At best we’ll be on the nice list.  At worst, we’ll be transported back in time and left there, never to see the future we once may have had, with a lump of coal as a reminder of what put us there in the first place. 

Hey, as long as it keeps the little guy on an even keel, it’s worth it.