Better living though science:
So I went to the Dr. recently to get a little help in the
bedroom. Things just hadn’t been the
same between my wife and I for a while, and everything I’d tried hadn’t really
worked, so it was time for some serious help.
I never wanted to be that guy we see in all the commercials… sitting on
the table, humbled by his condition, with the “can ya help me doc? “ look on
his face. I hated admitting that I
needed help, but it was time.
After discussing the situation, the Doc set me up with a
specialist. Tests were done and soon I
was sent home with a very specialized bit of equipment. Let me tell you, it was a little strange
strapping it on for the first time. I
was self-conscious about how it looked, but the way the Mrs. smiled at me when
we woke up in the morning eased my mind and made everything all right.
I’m talking about a CPAP machine, you perverts: A device that provides Continuous Positive
Airway Pressure to prevent my relaxed airways from collapsing and
to keep me breathing. In other words, an
anti-snoring device.
Yep, it had been a problem for years and I hated to admit it. Maybe it was genetic (my father’s snoring
shook the walls) or maybe it was the weight gain. Maybe it was that my otolaryngological tissue had become flabby with age, but whatever the
reasons were, the result was I was out of the bedroom, sleeping first on the couch and then on an air
mattress.
I did not want it to come to this, which sounds strange,
considering how I was already living. Of
course I wanted to sleep with my wife in an actual bed. I just hoped I’d lose weight on my own and
solve the problem. When that didn’t
happen, I felt bad because now I had TWO problems I wasn’t dealing with that
were affecting my life.
But now, thanks to a device no larger than an old clock
radio from the 70’s, I’m better rested with a happier disposition, and more
importantly, I’m able to sleep with my wife without the fear of being stabbed
in the middle of the night.
***
I remember when my sister and I, giggling with sneaky glee, crouched
outside our parents’ bedroom with a tape recorder, documenting my father’s
nocturnal auditory emissions. He always
denied that he snored, of course, but as he went to bed before we did most
nights, we were all aware of the sheer power lurking behind his nostrils. His snoring was legendary. Decades later, we were traveling together and
sleeping in the same hotel room. His
snoring kept me awake most of the night, and I hoped for a quiet time when I
could slip into sleep and get a few winks.
It never happened. I tried
watching TV, but the volume required to drown him out was deafening and I
didn’t want to wake the neighbors. The
next morning I woke up after he came out of the shower. “Whew, Spike,” he said, “you really snore!”
With my face still in the pillow, I mumbled “It’s
hereditary.” He acted genuinely
surprised.
I’d been accused of snoring since college, but at the time,
there were no machines to solve the problem.
It was something you just had to deal with. More like something your roommates and significant
others had to endure. You only had to
deal with the possibility of being murdered in your sleep for keeping them from
theirs.
I’d even discussed the issue with my Doctor, who suggested
that losing weight might be a better solution and solve some other issues as
well. It’s not that I didn’t try, but as
life happens, certain things get in the way… the ever popular “lack of time”
and stress eating didn’t help me get on the bike and pedal the pounds away. At some point, I did get a consult and a
referral for a sleep study, but still wasn’t sold on the idea. I’d
heard horror stories of those studies, how they never really let you sleep, and
how they were generally inconvenient. That
and the cost of going to a specialist to get the study performed were reasons
that kept me away. If I recall
correctly, it was about $1100 to come into a clinic for the study, and I thought
that if that’s what my insurance covered, how much would the CPAP cost?
Fast forward a few years and I’ve been out of my bedroom
sleeping first on the couch and then on an air mattress. To be clear, I was not
kicked out. I was welcome back at any
time as long as I didn’t snore. I wanted
to be there and Melissa wanted me there too; we missed sleeping next to each
other. But she couldn’t sleep with me in
the room, and I sure couldn’t sleep with her constantly pushing me to roll over
and complaining, so the only feasible option was for me to leave the room. Even with that solution, she still had to
have the fan on to drown out the noises I made.
I had to admit the situation was getting worse. I was sleepy all the time. No amount of coffee could keep me fully
alert. I walked around in a fog and there
were many occasions I struggled to find the right words to speak.
Thankfully, a new job had come along with a much better paycheck
and healthcare than State Government seemed able to offer. I finally made the call and told my doctor
this was no longer just a small inconvenience and that I missed my wife. I
needed a referral for a sleep study and he agreed. Here’s where the miracle of modern medicine
kicks in, because NOW, thanks to science and social distancing, sleep studies
are being done at home.
Within 2 weeks, I received a medium sized manila envelope in
the mail. Inside that was a padded
envelope with a plastic package inside it.
Inside that was a monitor that looked like a chiclet. The package, which was about the size of a tongue
depressor and was less than half an inch thick, consisted of instructions
(literally a flyer,) a Bluetooth connected device the size of a chicklet, and strips
of medical tape to attach the monitor to my fingertip.
For two nights, I connected the device to my phone before
going to sleep and in the morning the data was uploaded to the specialist. I had no idea what my results were, but was
anxious to get this party started. I thought these machines were huge and
worried about excessive noise. I was afraid
I’d have to wear a full face mask all night, looking like a Mercury astronaut
or a firefighter.
About two weeks later, I finally saw the ENT in person and
was presented with a new, very compact and VERY quiet CPAP device. The mask I wear covers just my nose, and
after a few days of using it… I can’t imagine life without it. Honestly, with the amount of apnea
occurrences I was experiencing (42 an hour,) I might not have a life without
it.
This device is actually no larger than an old fashioned clock
radio, and is dead silent. At times, I’m told there is a “whooshing” sound, but
it’s no louder than a ceiling fan. There’s
even a water tank to keep the air, and my mouth, from getting too dry. It connects to the internet so my specialist
can keep track of my progress, and there’s an app that shows me each morning
how I’m doing. (I’m down to less than 2
events per hour, thank you for asking.)
The technology is amazing, and I’m impressed at how it all
happened so easily. This time, my
insurance has covered all of it, and not one red penny has been out of
pocket. I will need to cover replacement
masking and tubes until the lease period is over, but those are negligible
compared to the cost of the machine.
But most importantly, I’m once again sleeping in the same bed
as my wife, able to snuggle with and wake up next to the woman I love so
much. It’s something I’ve been missing
for a long time. While the benefits of using a CPAP include better rest, lower blood pressure, and even weight loss, it’s the benefit to my heart that is the best; I’m
once again with the one I love.
