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| Our little spy |
So today my
wife informed me that we were now the proud owner of a plush “Elf on the
Shelf.” Until now, I was merely aware of
the concept; you had an elf and during the Christmas season you moved it around
to new places every day, preferably a shelf.
I also heard some thought it was creepy, but I presumed these were the
same type of people who thought clowns were evil. Though now that I have one, I totally
understand their fears. In fact, it’s
quite possibly more insidious than anyone could ever have imagined.
The way it
works is like this: The elf magically appears on a shelf, or in our case,
anywhere the cats can’t get to him. At night, while we sleep, Mr. Elf flies
back to the North Pole to file a report with Santa’s team on how we’re all
behaving. By morning, he’s returned to a
new location in the house to continue his yuletide surveillance.
My first thought was; Cool. A representative from Santa’s organization who reports directly to the big man if someone’s been naughty or nice. Basically, it’s child behavior modification. Pavlov’s elves. Great, I thought. Anything that helps us keep the little guy in line without screaming, bribery, use of force or lots of duct tape is fine with me. I only wish I had something that worked this well during the rest of the year.
I had been using an iPhone app for years that essentially did the same thing. It “scanned” the child’s thumbprint and checked it against the North Pole database to see if they were on the naughty or nice list. Obviously, the “grown-up” (in this case since it’s me, I use the term loosely) controlled the outcome of the scan. This was successful at first. However he’s learned how to access the app himself, and since the default outcome is “nice,” the effectiveness had been all but lost. Enter the elf-on-shelf.
At first he seemed a little scared of the little sprite. Can’t blame him. Something suddenly appears out of nowhere and he’s told it’s here to keep an eye on him. His first reaction was to go to the aforementioned app and prove he’s still on the good list. Quick thinking on my part informed him that that app was old, hadn’t been updated and was no longer supported by Santa’s IT elves, thus the results could be wrong. The white lies fly around the house like snow at this time of year. And that’s okay.
But as the
evening went on, he couldn’t take his eyes off the elf. Dinnertime was spent watching our new guest
instead of eating. “He keeps moving,” we were
told. Later, at bedtime, when he was
employing all his stall tactics to stay up just a little bit later, I reminded
him that the elf was still here, checking on when he was sleeping and when he
was awake. He was suddenly silent and
soon after, he was asleep. I was in awe
of the elf.
The next
morning, he took my hand and insisted I come with him as he searched the house
for the holiday imp. He found the elf
perched atop the refrigerator and we laughed.
Again, later on, he told me that the elf was moving again. I started to ask him if the elf only moved
when he wasn’t being watched, then realized that if that were true, that made the elf even more
sinister.
This little embellishment had changed the elf from a soft, cuddly, plush
method of child control into an evil, life-destroying monstrosity
known as a Weeping Angel.
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| Photo courtesy BBC / Doctor Who |
For those
unfamiliar with Doctor Who, the weeping angels are beings who appear in the form
of stone statues. They debuted in the
episode entitled “Blink” and quickly became one of the most feared entities in the
Who-verse. When you see them, when your
eyes are upon them, they are statues, motionless and still. However, if you take your eyes off them for a
moment, literally the blink of an eye, they move. Closer to you with each bat of the eye and
faster than you’d ever imagine, changing from a benign statue to a stone monstrosity
on the attack. With teeth. With one touch they would absorb your time
energy and send you back in time with no way back.
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| Photo courtesy BBC / Doctor Who |
Admittedly,
when Mr. Elf was just keeping an eye on all of us, it was just creepy. Now it’s become much, much more.
So, to sum
it up; we are being watched and reported on by what appears to be a plush toy.
What may really be happening is that we’re being watched over by a fluffy,
smiling little pixie that may or may not turn into a snarling, soul-sucking
evil being from outer space. At best
we’ll be on the nice list. At worst,
we’ll be transported back in time and left there, never to see the future we
once may have had, with a lump of coal as a reminder of what put us there in
the first place.
Hey, as long
as it keeps the little guy on an even keel, it’s worth it.
